Work Work WORK!!!!

I wake up early, go to work, stay at work forever!, get a freaking 30min break for lunch, then work some more, usually stay over for like 3 hours, head home which is almost 2 hours away, finally get home, take a shower and get like an hour to relax and play with the kid before I go to bed and do it all over again. Wouldn't be so bad if 1. I had a job that wasn't grueling on my feet and hands, 2. didn't have to drive so far to work and back, 3. didn't have an asshole boss who cut us out of all the overtime we work so hard for and if he didn't treat us all like crap, 4. if I live in my own place where I could be myself and happy. I am looking for places to live and a new job in the area I want to live, but it is hard since I am always at work now. I have spent all day today job searching. I am so poor that I don't know where we can move to. I really want to go to school so I can have a good job. So sick and tired of my parents putting me down and making my life here completely miserable. I just want to leave! They depress me so much and put my hopes for the future down. They are just so negative and are making me feel hopeless for the future. I refuse to give up on my dreams and I don't care if they kick me out but I can't just let them keep putting me down and trying to control my every move. I just want to be free again!

blah blah blah

whatever on the title haha. too tired to think much less figure out what to type. been working hard. and have a good little chunk of overtime for all my effort. cant wait for payday!! woot! then i can fix my car and pay bills, :P yuck. i'm thinking of moving to a different city than planned since i cant go to the school i originally planed to go to. it sucks but maybe its for the best. now i just need to contact some family for help on info for the area and to figure out moving. and get a job. right now i need rest and not walk on my now swollen foot. too many hours standing on it and driving with it has caused it to hurt really badly. i hope nothing to bad is wrong with it but i dont have the time off to go to the doctor. and still havent seen handsome yet. *sigh* maybe i can go visit my cousin instead. okay that's enough for now. i am tired.

Patience is a virtue but seem to have lost mine

Oh god, I am sick with allergies and have the beginning of a cold. Just love my job and it must love me too! So much that it stuffs my head up with dirt and dust and makes my body ache. I need a new job. I am still waiting to hear back from the job I really want, a nice office job. At work they told us that starting Monday I am working full time and come June we all will have extended hours and only two days off the whole month. Fucking lovely. Did I say that I hate my job yet? I feel like stomping around the house saying in a whiny voice that I don't want to go to work. I know I am being a big baby about it but I don't feel good.

Well, as far as the sexy guy I have been lusting after goes, he and I have made multiple plans to see each other and fulfill our fantasies for each other, but every time he has something come up. The first and second time was him helping out a friend which took all day, but I like how good of a friend he is. Then it was his homework and school projects, which are very important since he is getting close to graduating and starting his business. But...but it seems like he has lost some interest in me and hasn't been as talkative as he was. Very disappointing. I was hoping to have something special with him since I really like him and his personality. The funny thing is that when I realized that he may have been into me, I had been so hurt by all my past relationships and experiences that I just expected him to sleep with me and that it would be done. I wouldn't have minded either since I wasn't planning on trying to be in a relationship with anyone for a long time. I just wanted to have a passionate affair and make business friends with him. No mess or hassle, just straight up sex on the side of a business relationship. I know that that makes me sound cheap or whatever but I had just gotten out of a five year marriage and didn't want to give my heart away so quickly before I get what I want out of life, which is a career that I love and a good stable life for my son. We all have needs and one of mine happens to be a sex life. Haha, that is a joke now though. Its been over six months. The problem is that here I am expecting him to just take what he wants from me, meanwhile I was going to take what I wanted too, and that he would either A. act like it never happened or B. be a jerk and never contact me again, which would have been very unfortunate since he is a business contact and I do like to work with him. So what does he do? He doesn't do the deed. We went past some of the bases alright but not the complete act. So I am left unfulfilled and given a promise that we will have that fun when the legality of my marital status is cleared. We meet up a second time and the same happens again. We begin texting on a nightly basis and he then tells me that he misses me. It twists my heart into little circles. He sends me kisses and we talk dirty to each other. And then I did what I told myself I wouldn't do for a long time. I let my heart warm. It began to feel hope and...dare I say a great fondness for him. I thought about him often and wished to see his sweet handsome face again. I desired to be with him and hold him close again. The first and second missed meetups were before the divorce was final and I figured that that had a lot to do with him canceling on me. He had stated more than once that he wouldn't be able to have very good self control around me seeing as he desired me so and that he wanted to make sure that I was a free woman when we finally get to be alone. Am I just being too impatient? I think so. I read my cards the other day and they stated that I am to be patient and not give up before the end results happen. I also read my horoscope, which is usually wrong since I am cusp born, and it too told me to quit being impatient and that to rush things would be the death of them. I don't want to come off as desperate since I didn't even plan for this to happen. I was just hoping he liked me enough to give it to me, hahaha. I am use to that, but the way he put things and was so intent on doing it the right way, just made me believe that he feels deeper things about me too. I don't want to fuck this up. Gods help me! I am just going to leave him alone for a few days since I am going to be bogged down at work and will be too tired to get on the internet anyways. I hope that he misses me enough to want me again and gives me a message that lets me know that he still desires me at least.  Even if he changes his mind about how close to me he wants to get, I would still like for him to be my friend. Lord knows I don't have anyone else to be a friend right now.

Tired and sore

I strained a muscle in my shoulder and have been hurting for 2 days now. I never realized how important this muscle was in holding up my head till it started having stabbing pains in it anytime I move. I can't even lay down and rest without it hurting and no amount of pain medication has helped to even ease it a little bit. I had to go pay bills yesterday and by the time I got to town I wanted to cry from the pain and my entire back was going to pins and needles. Just ready to not feel pain right now. I should be in bed but was tired of sitting all by myself for so long.

On Thursday, I was planning on going to Star Trek: Next Generation's The Best of Both Worlds Movie Event that was a collaboration of the last episode of the third season and the first episode of the fourth season which is where the Borg come and capture Captain Jean-Luc Picard and assimilate him into the Borg!!! I really Really wanted to go. The problem was that it was a one time showing on just that day, at just 7pm, and at a theater that was 47 mins from work and 2 hours from my house. Also it would last over 2 hours, making me arrive home at around 11:30 to midnight. I get up to go to work at 4:30 and drive an hour and a half to get there. I knew deep down that I couldn't do that. I get really sleepy and have almost fallen asleep at the wheel if I drive while exhausted. So I texted my boss if one of the other part time ladies could come in and clean my buildings since I had something to do. Plus she hasn't gotten to work as much as she would like since the boss sends her home on Fridays and lets me work instead. I texted at lunch time. No answer. I texted again about an hour and a half later. Again no answer. I was getting really pissed. I talked to some of the other workers and they told me that he was ignoring his phone and wouldn't answer anyone at all. So he had probably turned it off. What a dick! So one of the ladies called the other pt worker up and checked if she would go ahead and work my shift, which she was happy to do. So then, yay! I was going to get to go! I knew I wouldn't get in trouble since the boss doesn't care who is working as long as the work gets done. So I arrange with the hot guy I am crushing on to let me use his shower after work. He is the only friend I have in that city and going home was not an option for a quick shower. Everything seems to be working out. But! But I have this nagging feeling in my gut like I shouldn't go to the movies. I go and cash my check, pick up a coffee since I was feeling more and more tired, and text hottie to see where he is at. He is out of town but on his way home to meet me. He had something to do this weekend and wouldn't be able to go to the movies with me, even though he did express a wish to go. Well, after almost an hour of running around town on errands and waiting for him to get there, he messages me that he is stuck in traffic. Ugh! That sucked major balls! I wanted to see him. I missed him since we haven't met up in over a month. By then, I was hot, sticky, tired, and had the beginnings of this terrible pain, but all over my body since I strained my back and neck at work that day. :P I decided that it just wasn't in the cards for me to go. I offered to stick around town till he got there but he kinda stopped texting at that point so I just when home aggravated. The next day when I woke up after tossing and turning in pain all night long I was very glad that I took off of work and didn't go to the show. And a vain part of me was also glad that the hot guy hadn't seen me all nasty and in pain. Just isn't the same when he is sexy and you just feel gross. Plus, I have the court hearing on Monday for the divorce and I so want to be done with that and officially single so I can really try to start something with him. I don't want to rush anything, but I do plan on being a bad girl with him. So no guilty feelings would be good, hehe.

Is it real this time?!?

My lawyer has e-mailed me today stating that she has finally heard back from the Judge and received my ex's signed copy of the divorce decree. I have to appear before court on Monday! Everything should go well and I hope to be in and out in a hurry! Then I will be celebrating!! Oh I can't wait to hear the words. To know that it is all over and I can go on with my life. The sexy man that I am talking to should be pleased to know that it is over too. hehehe.

I have been getting back into doing my makeup the way I like it. Payday is tomorrow. Hope I get a good check. :P I need a haircut!! Hope I will have enough to go get it done soon. I dont trust my mom or myself to properly cut or dye it so to a salon I will go. I am tired of fucked up hair. I need it back to the way I like it.

My folks have been wearing me thin. I can't handle all the negative input I get from them. They want me to live with them and go to school without having a job. WTF! I understand wanting me to do this and suggesting it once but every time I try to talk about the future they harp in with this crap. I barely survived living with them the first time and am only managing it now because I spend most of my time at work or in the room on the computer. I love my parents but they always try to control my every move. My sister and cousins didn't like that I moved here when ex abandoned me and monster man but I truly didn't have any other option. Now I feel stuck. I want a good paying job so I can have my own place but even mentioning moving or rent houses or jobs in other towns and my folks get this really nasty look on their faces and have absolutely nothing good to say. Just negative bullshit and guilt trips. I just need to be around some friends who I can truly discuss things with and not feel like they are just feeding me a line so they can get what they want out of me. So sick of people's shit. So sick and tired of people trying to control me. Of coarse I am with the people who raised me to be a fool who listened to what I was told and to never question and to put my faith in people who were only going to harm me. I did it and ended up almost killed. I have come a long ways from then and just hate being in this house again. I can stand to visit but to live here is like being in that prison again. I must remember who I am and how strong I really am. I wont be that person anymore. I will get out of this place again!

Odd weekends

So every odd weekend of the month, my son gets to go with his daddy. That is if he decides to have him. So far, half the time he has one excuse or another for missing his weekend. Today the ex and his girlfriend took monster man to the zoo. As ex was loading monster into the car he warned me not to come out of the house since his girlfriend was sitting in the car. I was like,"I don't freaking care. I know you are together and it doesn't bother me!" They posted pics of all of them having fun and being together and what happens a bunch of people message me freaking out! They had their hearts in the right place I know but when is every one going listen to me when I say that, yes they hurt me but I got over it because I am better off without either one of them. And yes, we are still "married" but we are legally separated and will never be together again. I am just waiting for the lawyer to tell me we are officially divorced so I can move on with my life. I don't love him or want to be her friend anymore. They are the kind of people that poison everyone else around them that aren't just as twisted as them. I am glad to be free of them. My only care is that they treat my son right and that the ex will finally be a good father. I have moved on with my life and my heart is healed from what was done. Next chapter please! People need to get with it!

A little about me.

I am 27. A single mom to one crazy cute little boy. I want to be a model when I grow up :P. I am about to be officially divorced, and can't wait for that to happen! I am going to have a fucking party when it finally does. It a long and unpleasant story. I like many different things but identify myself as a gothic girl who loves horror movies. I live with my family for now till I can afford to get my own place. I love to eat healthy, although I do tend to slip up frequently. I am trying to get into a workout regiment but am a bit of a procrastinator. Yoga is my choice of workout and it makes me feel better when I get off my butt and do it. Attempting to be the person I am proud of and wanting to make my mark on the world is hard but I am going to muster up the courage because I am strong enough to do it.

I just went to a workshop my cousins were hosting. They were selling these health food supplements. They both have been using them for over four years now, plus they are both fitness trainers where they live and they look fantastic. I am thinking of not only using the program for the health benefits, which were really good products, but also to sell them. I would love to be able to do it full time so I could go to school full time and have lots of free time to spend with my son. See the plan is to find a good paying job, find a place to live, start going to cosmetology school, and be a great single mom. Its a lot on my plate since I also want to start up my modeling career on the side. Ideally, if I could get this program set up and start selling the products, I could possibly make enough to use that as an income rather than having a full time job at the prison or where I am at now, which is killing me and sucks ass. I have a small rash on my face, hands, and on one arm from a reaction to some of the chemicals I work with. Can't really model when I keep braking out with rashes. I just need something that will fit into my life better. I don't want to have to sacrifice my time with my son or my goals in life just to survive in this world. AHH! It makes me so frustrated, I wont give up on myself so I just need to have a good paying job so I can go to school!!!

New Blog

I hate my job. Don't get me wrong, I love having a job, just hate the one I have. It sucks cleaning up other people shit. I am a janitor for a college cleaning dorms. Hope I get fit with all this work, haha, and I better have a nice ass when I am done from going up and down stairs so much.

I am starting to get back to healthy eating again. So glad. I was feeling like crap and have gained at least 2-3lbs over the last month! Ugh. Stupid fast food. So yummy but so fattening. I need to remember to do my exercises every morning. Hope to look good soon so I can do another photo shoot. Plus, there is this guy I am really into that I am dieing to see again. Mmmm...hehe. Definitely want to look sexy for him.

So I have decided that I am tired of feeling sorry for myself with all the crappy stuff going on in my life, keep reminding myself that there is always going to be crappy stuff you just have to wade through it and keep your head up. Posting a new blog seems like a good idea right now. To collect my thoughts and ramblings. To be the place I can go to when I need to talk since I have become short of true friends these days. And foremost to be a prod to get off my ass and do something I like with my life. Here I am again, waiting and ready for the new adventure my life will take. This time around I will be in control and steer my life to greater horizons.