Reboot...Life once again

So tomorrow after work I'm heading back to my mom's house for awhile. Get my finances back up and my car fixed. Get to be with my son again. So tired of all the drama and crap I've been through it will be a nice time to get myself right again. I am going to be traveling to houston though. I have found two dj's willing to teach me how to become a dj! And I'm meeting some burner to try and find a teacher for fire breathing. I am focusing on becoming whole again and making myself into the person I want to be. Lover, Mother, Fire
performer, Goth DJ, Model, Hair colorist. I'm rebooting myself. Fuck everyone's expectations, Fuck their lies, Fuck them if they think I'm not good enough. I am and I'm more than worth it. I will be who and what I want to be. I finally have found the courage to be who I want to be. I'm in a gothic beauty pageant tonight and I'm so fucking excited!! I am about to finish my costume and it is going to be so much fun! Can't wait! I'll post some pics later.

He is drunk and I am to the rescue yet again. Will I ever learn?

In his drunken confusion, he types out a plea for help. Some one help him and send an ambulance is what he types. His girlfriend already offline and no help to his drunken plea's. Here I am and I am the one who holds him tight and telling him to just breathe and it will be OK. But its not. Here I am to hold his hair and stroke his back as he vomits into the toilet. Here I am to put him to bed. Here I am to yet again be the strong one for him and what will I awaken to? I don't know. I'm tired of being the one who helps but reaps no rewards or returns. I am the bitch who just is here. The one to hear his cry's and comforts him but reaps hate in return. Sorry you got drunk and felt like crying and having a meltdown. I help you return to your bed and make you feel better but for what? So you can tomorrow act as if I am some stupid bitch who deserves no respect or love. So sorry your true love is in another city and fell asleep. Is it because I was with other people that you suddenly are so depressed? Is it because I don't give you the attention I usually do in front of others that you are suddenly so upset? You chose to leave me. You threw me away telling others that I wasn't worth your time. I am now trying to move on and find new friends. You did this to me. You drove me away. Why are you so upset now? I deserve more. I'm tired and here I am up late worried over your stupid ass. I have work in the morning asshole.

hollow hearts and tormented dreams

So this asshole breaks off our engagement, says that he cant love just one person, or just fuck one person, and that he just wants to be friends. I am suffering and begging him to just try and make it work, not knowing that he has never gotten over his ex and has been sending her love messages online. We live the next month of arguments and periods of peace, me attempting to get over him as fast as I could so I could salvage some shred of friendship out of this broken heart. I loved him and gave up money, furniture, my time with my son to try and make a life with him and he threw me away for some bitch that dumped him. But she loves him now. And he kept lying to me about their relationship, and where he was going. He drinks more, parties more, and doesn't want to be around kids now. He turned into this asshole who lies about everything. Now I tried to stay, then I asked for him to do the right thing by me and let me have the apartment so I could stay in Houston and not lose everything I worked so hard for. I am graduated from school and about to get my license for hairdressing and looking for a job. Everything has come to a point in my life and it was so hard to get here. I am scared. He is kicking me out since the apartment bills are in his name and he doesn't feel like moving and his girlfriend is moving in may. Not that he cant move but he doesn't feel like it. I didn't cheat on him with my ex, I didn't lie to him and try to move her in while he lives with me like he did to me, I didn't lie to my friends and work. I just tried to forgive him and still despite it all be his fucking friend. I am a fucking idiot. He makes himself feel better by acting like I am a bitch and that he is a victim. I'm so sick of being lied to, manipulated, hurt, just thrown away like I never mattered. I'm tired of being fucked with by these guys who play mind games claiming that they want a family and a beautiful wife who loves them. They would rather run around having sex with multiple people, drinking and having a different girl every night. They would rather be with the girls that hurt them and use them just like they hurt and used me. Good riddance. Hope you like std's cause you are going to catch something fucking everybody like that. Hope you like having your heart broken cause karma is a bitch and this time when she leaves you I wont be there to pick up the pieces like last time. Play your games with some other woman's life cause I don't with little boys like you. You and that bad eyeliner and little dick. Have fun with it cause I didn't. There is such a thing as too small. Now I am just focusing on my needs and my baby. He is all that matters. I need to find a salon job that pays really well and quick! I need to find a place to live. If I can't then its back to square one at my mom and dads for a while. I need to try or else i will feel like i am a failure.

the new year is almost here

Well it has been a LONG time since i last posted. Decided to post since I've been so depressed and stressed lately and I have no one to talk to.

First off, in june I started dating this guy K and he rocked my world. Loved everything about him and thought was the bee's knees. lol. Then a month later we got engaged. He is so wonderful and different from anyone I had ever met so of course I said yes. He cooks, has life goals I like and support, has awesome taste in food, clothes, and especially music. He has shown me many new avenues of the goth and punk music.

In August I started working at VC salon, it sucked but it was a start and got me into a place with K. Unfortuantly, I couldnt afford daycare 24/7 for my baby since I work 8 hr days for 4 days and 11 hr days at school for 3 days a week. I figured it would just be till Oct when I graduate.

Then I got sick. My thyroid and lympnods in my throat swoll up and were very painful. I was exhibiting signs of diabetes and a thyroid disease. Took some time off of school to go to the doc, they did a blood test and oh I'm fine just need to eat more. :P yeah right. They admitted there is something wrong with me but dont care enough to do anything about it because they wont get paid for it.

Because of this and some other problems, I changed jobs twice since then, first a cook at a nursing home and now at a beauty counter. The nursing home was hell. I'd rather die than live like that. And the beauty counter pays well just my boss has unrealistic expectations of the staff. Not a bad job.

Shortly after I took leave in Sept. from school I was in a car wreak. Some stupid kid totaled my car. He, thankfully, took responsibility and I'm still dealing with the insurance on that. Got money from them for my poor car but it wasn't much and had to buy some old car for 1600. She runs alright.

Finally got back into school mid November and now I'll graduate in mid February. I was worried that I would forget too much but got in and am doing even better now. Just ready to get out and apply at this awesome salon. I am so worried that I wont get it I keep stressing out everytime I think about it. Feel like I'm a loser and cant hack it.

It's christmas eve tomorrow. My son is sick with the flu and at his dad's. It sucks cause I miss him so much. I am a shit mom. I cant do anything right. I fail at life. I miss my baby.

I was excited because tomorrow I am going to meet K's family. We are going there and this is the first time I will meet his family. But he has been acting distant and saying weird stuff. Almost like he is planning on breaking it off. He is constantly making plans and forgetting to talk to me. Christmas day we had planned on coming back from his family's to exchange gifts and be with each other. But earlier he informed me that he is going to his dads that night. oh and he will drop me off before he heads over there. so now i will be alone Christmas night. that's right, stupid me. i forgot, nobody needs a worthless piece of shit. i am so fucking ugly, stupid, pile of crap. who would want to be with that anyways. it doesn't matter how much i try. life will always be fucked for me.

got to love the holidays. just fucking lovely.

Crazy awesome weekends.

So the last two weekends have been super busy between the school projects and having fun meeting new people. I am exhausted right now. I listened to some bands play at a club and got kinda freaky at the end of it. Hahaha. I regret nothing. To long have I been in a cage. I can go crazy a little bit as I cast off my bindings and find my own way. I have met some awesome people so far. This weekend was the best so far. I went to dinner and had a few drinks with a classmate on Thursday, attended a birthday bash for another classmate and got completely smashed on Friday night, and on Saturday when to the club and hung out with the DJs and met this awesome DJ from Scotland. It was so much fun. They took a picture of me and it is beautiful! Now my profile pic. I was hoping to have supper with them and the DJ Pax from Scotland and enjoy a meal he was preparing, but the heavy rain and my baby getting sick prevented me from making the 2 hour trip. Maybe next year when he's back in town lol. I really enjoy the people I have met so far and cant wait to hang out with them again.

 So at school, a few of my friends now know that I have a crush on 1. a very sexy girl I met from the club and 2. A cute girl we go to school with. I am not sure if I should have trusted them to keep their mouths shut but we will see. Most of the girls at school don't realize that I am bi.

My birthday was awesome this year!

I had an amazing weekend! It was my birthday Friday and it was spent at school but was still lots of fun and I got my hair cut, finally! So I spent all day sat preparing to go to Numbers for their Gothic Beauty Pageant. I entered. Had a fuck amazing time and met so many wonderful people in the community. I didn't win or anything but I knew I wouldn't, it was my first time. I just wanted to have fun and get out of my shell. I sure did hahaha. I cant wait to go again and have more fun!! From the music to the people and just the feeling of being there was so wonderful! I didn't feel out of place and loved the music. No pictures :(  My "friends" were going to go since they opened the doors at 9, but when I told them that it didn't start till 11 they flaked out. Two had curfew so that was fine but the other 5 just decided not to go. I kinda had the feeling that they were going to do that. I am already meeting amazing new people to have fun with, so whatever. Fuck friends, who needs them. I have always been on my own. Well, I am not mad about them not showing anyways since I got to have a little birthday booty with another very sexy contestant that night, hehehe. I must say it was sudden and extremely fun. I have several bruises in various parts of my body. It had been six months since the last time I had sex so it was much needed and appreciated, hahaha. I need to sleep now so tired and sore.

St. Paddy's Day!

Today is St. Patrick's Day. It is also my son's birthday. Yay! My baby is getting so big now. I feel very old, hahaha! It will be my birthday on friday. Ugh. My son has had two parties so far and I am going to take him to eat pizza after karate practice tonight.

Tired from partying hard for four days with our friends for his birthday.

I have been super busy at school, finishing this sections quotas and models, completing a huge project and now entering it in a contest to go to Vegas. Hope I win. Here's my website for my project.

I have talked to a couple of photographers but one won't be in my area anytime soon and the others have been a bit shady. I pissed one off since I want to receive pictures for the time I put out modeling and he just wanted to give me $50 to drive 2 hours to him. Fuck that! I don't need the fucking money, I need the work to show off and start putting out there so I can get more jobs. I was really nice in turning him down but he got snippy and told me I need the money since I am a full time student and that I should take the work since I am still new. Pissed me off. I told him to find someone else who is willing to basically work for free. He said he didn't want to work with me anyways and had already "found 2 high school age black models that'll work". Well, he was barking up the wrong tree if that was what he was looking for. I'm not black, in high school, and am not stupid enough to work for free. Bitch didn't even know what proper grammar was. Guess this is apart of the business. Oh well. I have messaged a few photographers in hopes to get some work put together.

I haven't really been looking for a job, ekk. I hate it but I need the time and have a bit of money saved up for now. I need to start looking soon, though. Hopefully they don't mind an alternative green haired girl hahaha. I am going to dye my hair soon and am going green. I love it! Can't wait! Good bye Brown/black hair!

Better stay out of the sun or I may melt.