the new year is almost here

Well it has been a LONG time since i last posted. Decided to post since I've been so depressed and stressed lately and I have no one to talk to.

First off, in june I started dating this guy K and he rocked my world. Loved everything about him and thought was the bee's knees. lol. Then a month later we got engaged. He is so wonderful and different from anyone I had ever met so of course I said yes. He cooks, has life goals I like and support, has awesome taste in food, clothes, and especially music. He has shown me many new avenues of the goth and punk music.

In August I started working at VC salon, it sucked but it was a start and got me into a place with K. Unfortuantly, I couldnt afford daycare 24/7 for my baby since I work 8 hr days for 4 days and 11 hr days at school for 3 days a week. I figured it would just be till Oct when I graduate.

Then I got sick. My thyroid and lympnods in my throat swoll up and were very painful. I was exhibiting signs of diabetes and a thyroid disease. Took some time off of school to go to the doc, they did a blood test and oh I'm fine just need to eat more. :P yeah right. They admitted there is something wrong with me but dont care enough to do anything about it because they wont get paid for it.

Because of this and some other problems, I changed jobs twice since then, first a cook at a nursing home and now at a beauty counter. The nursing home was hell. I'd rather die than live like that. And the beauty counter pays well just my boss has unrealistic expectations of the staff. Not a bad job.

Shortly after I took leave in Sept. from school I was in a car wreak. Some stupid kid totaled my car. He, thankfully, took responsibility and I'm still dealing with the insurance on that. Got money from them for my poor car but it wasn't much and had to buy some old car for 1600. She runs alright.

Finally got back into school mid November and now I'll graduate in mid February. I was worried that I would forget too much but got in and am doing even better now. Just ready to get out and apply at this awesome salon. I am so worried that I wont get it I keep stressing out everytime I think about it. Feel like I'm a loser and cant hack it.

It's christmas eve tomorrow. My son is sick with the flu and at his dad's. It sucks cause I miss him so much. I am a shit mom. I cant do anything right. I fail at life. I miss my baby.

I was excited because tomorrow I am going to meet K's family. We are going there and this is the first time I will meet his family. But he has been acting distant and saying weird stuff. Almost like he is planning on breaking it off. He is constantly making plans and forgetting to talk to me. Christmas day we had planned on coming back from his family's to exchange gifts and be with each other. But earlier he informed me that he is going to his dads that night. oh and he will drop me off before he heads over there. so now i will be alone Christmas night. that's right, stupid me. i forgot, nobody needs a worthless piece of shit. i am so fucking ugly, stupid, pile of crap. who would want to be with that anyways. it doesn't matter how much i try. life will always be fucked for me.

got to love the holidays. just fucking lovely.

Crazy awesome weekends.

So the last two weekends have been super busy between the school projects and having fun meeting new people. I am exhausted right now. I listened to some bands play at a club and got kinda freaky at the end of it. Hahaha. I regret nothing. To long have I been in a cage. I can go crazy a little bit as I cast off my bindings and find my own way. I have met some awesome people so far. This weekend was the best so far. I went to dinner and had a few drinks with a classmate on Thursday, attended a birthday bash for another classmate and got completely smashed on Friday night, and on Saturday when to the club and hung out with the DJs and met this awesome DJ from Scotland. It was so much fun. They took a picture of me and it is beautiful! Now my profile pic. I was hoping to have supper with them and the DJ Pax from Scotland and enjoy a meal he was preparing, but the heavy rain and my baby getting sick prevented me from making the 2 hour trip. Maybe next year when he's back in town lol. I really enjoy the people I have met so far and cant wait to hang out with them again.

 So at school, a few of my friends now know that I have a crush on 1. a very sexy girl I met from the club and 2. A cute girl we go to school with. I am not sure if I should have trusted them to keep their mouths shut but we will see. Most of the girls at school don't realize that I am bi.

My birthday was awesome this year!

I had an amazing weekend! It was my birthday Friday and it was spent at school but was still lots of fun and I got my hair cut, finally! So I spent all day sat preparing to go to Numbers for their Gothic Beauty Pageant. I entered. Had a fuck amazing time and met so many wonderful people in the community. I didn't win or anything but I knew I wouldn't, it was my first time. I just wanted to have fun and get out of my shell. I sure did hahaha. I cant wait to go again and have more fun!! From the music to the people and just the feeling of being there was so wonderful! I didn't feel out of place and loved the music. No pictures :(  My "friends" were going to go since they opened the doors at 9, but when I told them that it didn't start till 11 they flaked out. Two had curfew so that was fine but the other 5 just decided not to go. I kinda had the feeling that they were going to do that. I am already meeting amazing new people to have fun with, so whatever. Fuck friends, who needs them. I have always been on my own. Well, I am not mad about them not showing anyways since I got to have a little birthday booty with another very sexy contestant that night, hehehe. I must say it was sudden and extremely fun. I have several bruises in various parts of my body. It had been six months since the last time I had sex so it was much needed and appreciated, hahaha. I need to sleep now so tired and sore.

St. Paddy's Day!

Today is St. Patrick's Day. It is also my son's birthday. Yay! My baby is getting so big now. I feel very old, hahaha! It will be my birthday on friday. Ugh. My son has had two parties so far and I am going to take him to eat pizza after karate practice tonight.

Tired from partying hard for four days with our friends for his birthday.

I have been super busy at school, finishing this sections quotas and models, completing a huge project and now entering it in a contest to go to Vegas. Hope I win. Here's my website for my project.

I have talked to a couple of photographers but one won't be in my area anytime soon and the others have been a bit shady. I pissed one off since I want to receive pictures for the time I put out modeling and he just wanted to give me $50 to drive 2 hours to him. Fuck that! I don't need the fucking money, I need the work to show off and start putting out there so I can get more jobs. I was really nice in turning him down but he got snippy and told me I need the money since I am a full time student and that I should take the work since I am still new. Pissed me off. I told him to find someone else who is willing to basically work for free. He said he didn't want to work with me anyways and had already "found 2 high school age black models that'll work". Well, he was barking up the wrong tree if that was what he was looking for. I'm not black, in high school, and am not stupid enough to work for free. Bitch didn't even know what proper grammar was. Guess this is apart of the business. Oh well. I have messaged a few photographers in hopes to get some work put together.

I haven't really been looking for a job, ekk. I hate it but I need the time and have a bit of money saved up for now. I need to start looking soon, though. Hopefully they don't mind an alternative green haired girl hahaha. I am going to dye my hair soon and am going green. I love it! Can't wait! Good bye Brown/black hair!

Better stay out of the sun or I may melt.

Projects!!

Just finished with my big beacon project for school. I think it is awesome. Made a portfolio with the required 3 photos showing off my skills. Made a website, maryreed.weebly.com  and it is awesome for a starter website. I will make a new one or tweak this one to fit my real portfolio. So tired now. Had to drive to my besties house to help her out today. I can't wait to go with my son to her house on Sunday for spring break. Had to fight with h&r block for the last two weeks since those assholes didn't do there jobs right and took over $200 from me. They better give me my money soon. My son's birthday is coming up so I have been very busy planning it. My big gift to him were martial arts lessons. He loves it and is so freaking cute! I am so proud of him. He is getting so big! He can't wait to see his best friends too! Been dealing with unemployment too and finally after getting the run around for the last month, I know that I either have to quit my job and start looking for a full time position as a janitor or just give up on claiming unemployment. It is bs. My birthday is coming up, ugh. I'm going to be 28. Better get some sleep now.

Day I am determind to change everything for the better

 

Well, the last week I have been trying to get over that jerk that ripped out my heart. I am coming to terms with it and have done a couple of spells for heartbreak and to have my pictures returned to me. But... he as usual is giving me stupid excuses as to why he just doesn't have time to send them to me. Stupid jerk! I just want what was promised to me and that I worked hard for. I am letting it go so I can focus on the future now. I will be repaid in full and so will he. Karma is a bitch when you act like he did. I forgive him and will forget him. He can just cling to those pics cause that's the only way he's every going to see my sexy self again. I will find other photographers to work with and will make my dreams come true. I can feel it in my chest that I am working my way there. Slowly but surely it will happen for me and I will do it all on my own.

So sunday I had a bridal show in H-town to work at. It was awesome! I am too alternative to have been a model for the runway show but instead was an assistant to put the dresses on the girls. I had so much fun it just rejuvenated my passion for this business and made me realize that I still have the deep aching need to be on the runway. I haven't felt like that in so long! Such a rush! I had a blast and am now determined to lose weight and get out there! I can do this! I will make my dreams come true! I was born for this!

I have a job interview today! Yay! Its about time hahaha. I need a job so bad but I hope that I will still be able to visit my friends on spring break. I miss my best friend Jena so much! And her boys are my son's best friends too. He is all excited to get to go. If anything, I will just take him out of school for a few days to go see them if my new job interferes with our plans. They live 2 hours away from us and with the conflicting schedules it is hard to plan to go down there.

Broken Heart.

So the man I have been dating for the last year is an asshole and played me for a fool. I thought that everything was fine and kept believing all his excuses as to why he wouldn't meet up or try to see me. He still called me baby and told me how much he missed me. I felt like as soon as I moved up to where he lived we would be together and he even said that he though we could move in together. We were suppose to meet up the day after valentines day to celebrate and have a sexy getaway from it all. He told me he had a special surprise for me and that he was so excited to be with me again. Then it all falls apart. I find a post on Facebook by his new girlfriend announcing that he asked her to be his girlfriend on a romantic valentines dinner the night he told me that he was working. I cried so much, my heart was crushed. It was an eye opener and I realized that he never intended to be with me. He hurt me so bad. He has been lying to me for months about everything. No wonder he was always so busy. I don't deserve to be treated like this. I have yet to find a man who isn't playing with my head and using me till they get with some other girl. I just need to be alone. No more love, no more games, no more of the lies. I am sick of being used. I will just be alone. Then no one can hurt me. Fuck love. Its all lies.