Reboot...Life once again

So tomorrow after work I'm heading back to my mom's house for awhile. Get my finances back up and my car fixed. Get to be with my son again. So tired of all the drama and crap I've been through it will be a nice time to get myself right again. I am going to be traveling to houston though. I have found two dj's willing to teach me how to become a dj! And I'm meeting some burner to try and find a teacher for fire breathing. I am focusing on becoming whole again and making myself into the person I want to be. Lover, Mother, Fire
performer, Goth DJ, Model, Hair colorist. I'm rebooting myself. Fuck everyone's expectations, Fuck their lies, Fuck them if they think I'm not good enough. I am and I'm more than worth it. I will be who and what I want to be. I finally have found the courage to be who I want to be. I'm in a gothic beauty pageant tonight and I'm so fucking excited!! I am about to finish my costume and it is going to be so much fun! Can't wait! I'll post some pics later.

He is drunk and I am to the rescue yet again. Will I ever learn?

In his drunken confusion, he types out a plea for help. Some one help him and send an ambulance is what he types. His girlfriend already offline and no help to his drunken plea's. Here I am and I am the one who holds him tight and telling him to just breathe and it will be OK. But its not. Here I am to hold his hair and stroke his back as he vomits into the toilet. Here I am to put him to bed. Here I am to yet again be the strong one for him and what will I awaken to? I don't know. I'm tired of being the one who helps but reaps no rewards or returns. I am the bitch who just is here. The one to hear his cry's and comforts him but reaps hate in return. Sorry you got drunk and felt like crying and having a meltdown. I help you return to your bed and make you feel better but for what? So you can tomorrow act as if I am some stupid bitch who deserves no respect or love. So sorry your true love is in another city and fell asleep. Is it because I was with other people that you suddenly are so depressed? Is it because I don't give you the attention I usually do in front of others that you are suddenly so upset? You chose to leave me. You threw me away telling others that I wasn't worth your time. I am now trying to move on and find new friends. You did this to me. You drove me away. Why are you so upset now? I deserve more. I'm tired and here I am up late worried over your stupid ass. I have work in the morning asshole.

hollow hearts and tormented dreams

So this asshole breaks off our engagement, says that he cant love just one person, or just fuck one person, and that he just wants to be friends. I am suffering and begging him to just try and make it work, not knowing that he has never gotten over his ex and has been sending her love messages online. We live the next month of arguments and periods of peace, me attempting to get over him as fast as I could so I could salvage some shred of friendship out of this broken heart. I loved him and gave up money, furniture, my time with my son to try and make a life with him and he threw me away for some bitch that dumped him. But she loves him now. And he kept lying to me about their relationship, and where he was going. He drinks more, parties more, and doesn't want to be around kids now. He turned into this asshole who lies about everything. Now I tried to stay, then I asked for him to do the right thing by me and let me have the apartment so I could stay in Houston and not lose everything I worked so hard for. I am graduated from school and about to get my license for hairdressing and looking for a job. Everything has come to a point in my life and it was so hard to get here. I am scared. He is kicking me out since the apartment bills are in his name and he doesn't feel like moving and his girlfriend is moving in may. Not that he cant move but he doesn't feel like it. I didn't cheat on him with my ex, I didn't lie to him and try to move her in while he lives with me like he did to me, I didn't lie to my friends and work. I just tried to forgive him and still despite it all be his fucking friend. I am a fucking idiot. He makes himself feel better by acting like I am a bitch and that he is a victim. I'm so sick of being lied to, manipulated, hurt, just thrown away like I never mattered. I'm tired of being fucked with by these guys who play mind games claiming that they want a family and a beautiful wife who loves them. They would rather run around having sex with multiple people, drinking and having a different girl every night. They would rather be with the girls that hurt them and use them just like they hurt and used me. Good riddance. Hope you like std's cause you are going to catch something fucking everybody like that. Hope you like having your heart broken cause karma is a bitch and this time when she leaves you I wont be there to pick up the pieces like last time. Play your games with some other woman's life cause I don't with little boys like you. You and that bad eyeliner and little dick. Have fun with it cause I didn't. There is such a thing as too small. Now I am just focusing on my needs and my baby. He is all that matters. I need to find a salon job that pays really well and quick! I need to find a place to live. If I can't then its back to square one at my mom and dads for a while. I need to try or else i will feel like i am a failure.

the new year is almost here

Well it has been a LONG time since i last posted. Decided to post since I've been so depressed and stressed lately and I have no one to talk to.

First off, in june I started dating this guy K and he rocked my world. Loved everything about him and thought was the bee's knees. lol. Then a month later we got engaged. He is so wonderful and different from anyone I had ever met so of course I said yes. He cooks, has life goals I like and support, has awesome taste in food, clothes, and especially music. He has shown me many new avenues of the goth and punk music.

In August I started working at VC salon, it sucked but it was a start and got me into a place with K. Unfortuantly, I couldnt afford daycare 24/7 for my baby since I work 8 hr days for 4 days and 11 hr days at school for 3 days a week. I figured it would just be till Oct when I graduate.

Then I got sick. My thyroid and lympnods in my throat swoll up and were very painful. I was exhibiting signs of diabetes and a thyroid disease. Took some time off of school to go to the doc, they did a blood test and oh I'm fine just need to eat more. :P yeah right. They admitted there is something wrong with me but dont care enough to do anything about it because they wont get paid for it.

Because of this and some other problems, I changed jobs twice since then, first a cook at a nursing home and now at a beauty counter. The nursing home was hell. I'd rather die than live like that. And the beauty counter pays well just my boss has unrealistic expectations of the staff. Not a bad job.

Shortly after I took leave in Sept. from school I was in a car wreak. Some stupid kid totaled my car. He, thankfully, took responsibility and I'm still dealing with the insurance on that. Got money from them for my poor car but it wasn't much and had to buy some old car for 1600. She runs alright.

Finally got back into school mid November and now I'll graduate in mid February. I was worried that I would forget too much but got in and am doing even better now. Just ready to get out and apply at this awesome salon. I am so worried that I wont get it I keep stressing out everytime I think about it. Feel like I'm a loser and cant hack it.

It's christmas eve tomorrow. My son is sick with the flu and at his dad's. It sucks cause I miss him so much. I am a shit mom. I cant do anything right. I fail at life. I miss my baby.

I was excited because tomorrow I am going to meet K's family. We are going there and this is the first time I will meet his family. But he has been acting distant and saying weird stuff. Almost like he is planning on breaking it off. He is constantly making plans and forgetting to talk to me. Christmas day we had planned on coming back from his family's to exchange gifts and be with each other. But earlier he informed me that he is going to his dads that night. oh and he will drop me off before he heads over there. so now i will be alone Christmas night. that's right, stupid me. i forgot, nobody needs a worthless piece of shit. i am so fucking ugly, stupid, pile of crap. who would want to be with that anyways. it doesn't matter how much i try. life will always be fucked for me.

got to love the holidays. just fucking lovely.

Crazy awesome weekends.

So the last two weekends have been super busy between the school projects and having fun meeting new people. I am exhausted right now. I listened to some bands play at a club and got kinda freaky at the end of it. Hahaha. I regret nothing. To long have I been in a cage. I can go crazy a little bit as I cast off my bindings and find my own way. I have met some awesome people so far. This weekend was the best so far. I went to dinner and had a few drinks with a classmate on Thursday, attended a birthday bash for another classmate and got completely smashed on Friday night, and on Saturday when to the club and hung out with the DJs and met this awesome DJ from Scotland. It was so much fun. They took a picture of me and it is beautiful! Now my profile pic. I was hoping to have supper with them and the DJ Pax from Scotland and enjoy a meal he was preparing, but the heavy rain and my baby getting sick prevented me from making the 2 hour trip. Maybe next year when he's back in town lol. I really enjoy the people I have met so far and cant wait to hang out with them again.

 So at school, a few of my friends now know that I have a crush on 1. a very sexy girl I met from the club and 2. A cute girl we go to school with. I am not sure if I should have trusted them to keep their mouths shut but we will see. Most of the girls at school don't realize that I am bi.

My birthday was awesome this year!

I had an amazing weekend! It was my birthday Friday and it was spent at school but was still lots of fun and I got my hair cut, finally! So I spent all day sat preparing to go to Numbers for their Gothic Beauty Pageant. I entered. Had a fuck amazing time and met so many wonderful people in the community. I didn't win or anything but I knew I wouldn't, it was my first time. I just wanted to have fun and get out of my shell. I sure did hahaha. I cant wait to go again and have more fun!! From the music to the people and just the feeling of being there was so wonderful! I didn't feel out of place and loved the music. No pictures :(  My "friends" were going to go since they opened the doors at 9, but when I told them that it didn't start till 11 they flaked out. Two had curfew so that was fine but the other 5 just decided not to go. I kinda had the feeling that they were going to do that. I am already meeting amazing new people to have fun with, so whatever. Fuck friends, who needs them. I have always been on my own. Well, I am not mad about them not showing anyways since I got to have a little birthday booty with another very sexy contestant that night, hehehe. I must say it was sudden and extremely fun. I have several bruises in various parts of my body. It had been six months since the last time I had sex so it was much needed and appreciated, hahaha. I need to sleep now so tired and sore.

St. Paddy's Day!

Today is St. Patrick's Day. It is also my son's birthday. Yay! My baby is getting so big now. I feel very old, hahaha! It will be my birthday on friday. Ugh. My son has had two parties so far and I am going to take him to eat pizza after karate practice tonight.

Tired from partying hard for four days with our friends for his birthday.

I have been super busy at school, finishing this sections quotas and models, completing a huge project and now entering it in a contest to go to Vegas. Hope I win. Here's my website for my project.

I have talked to a couple of photographers but one won't be in my area anytime soon and the others have been a bit shady. I pissed one off since I want to receive pictures for the time I put out modeling and he just wanted to give me $50 to drive 2 hours to him. Fuck that! I don't need the fucking money, I need the work to show off and start putting out there so I can get more jobs. I was really nice in turning him down but he got snippy and told me I need the money since I am a full time student and that I should take the work since I am still new. Pissed me off. I told him to find someone else who is willing to basically work for free. He said he didn't want to work with me anyways and had already "found 2 high school age black models that'll work". Well, he was barking up the wrong tree if that was what he was looking for. I'm not black, in high school, and am not stupid enough to work for free. Bitch didn't even know what proper grammar was. Guess this is apart of the business. Oh well. I have messaged a few photographers in hopes to get some work put together.

I haven't really been looking for a job, ekk. I hate it but I need the time and have a bit of money saved up for now. I need to start looking soon, though. Hopefully they don't mind an alternative green haired girl hahaha. I am going to dye my hair soon and am going green. I love it! Can't wait! Good bye Brown/black hair!

Better stay out of the sun or I may melt.

Projects!!

Just finished with my big beacon project for school. I think it is awesome. Made a portfolio with the required 3 photos showing off my skills. Made a website, maryreed.weebly.com  and it is awesome for a starter website. I will make a new one or tweak this one to fit my real portfolio. So tired now. Had to drive to my besties house to help her out today. I can't wait to go with my son to her house on Sunday for spring break. Had to fight with h&r block for the last two weeks since those assholes didn't do there jobs right and took over $200 from me. They better give me my money soon. My son's birthday is coming up so I have been very busy planning it. My big gift to him were martial arts lessons. He loves it and is so freaking cute! I am so proud of him. He is getting so big! He can't wait to see his best friends too! Been dealing with unemployment too and finally after getting the run around for the last month, I know that I either have to quit my job and start looking for a full time position as a janitor or just give up on claiming unemployment. It is bs. My birthday is coming up, ugh. I'm going to be 28. Better get some sleep now.

Day I am determind to change everything for the better

 

Well, the last week I have been trying to get over that jerk that ripped out my heart. I am coming to terms with it and have done a couple of spells for heartbreak and to have my pictures returned to me. But... he as usual is giving me stupid excuses as to why he just doesn't have time to send them to me. Stupid jerk! I just want what was promised to me and that I worked hard for. I am letting it go so I can focus on the future now. I will be repaid in full and so will he. Karma is a bitch when you act like he did. I forgive him and will forget him. He can just cling to those pics cause that's the only way he's every going to see my sexy self again. I will find other photographers to work with and will make my dreams come true. I can feel it in my chest that I am working my way there. Slowly but surely it will happen for me and I will do it all on my own.

So sunday I had a bridal show in H-town to work at. It was awesome! I am too alternative to have been a model for the runway show but instead was an assistant to put the dresses on the girls. I had so much fun it just rejuvenated my passion for this business and made me realize that I still have the deep aching need to be on the runway. I haven't felt like that in so long! Such a rush! I had a blast and am now determined to lose weight and get out there! I can do this! I will make my dreams come true! I was born for this!

I have a job interview today! Yay! Its about time hahaha. I need a job so bad but I hope that I will still be able to visit my friends on spring break. I miss my best friend Jena so much! And her boys are my son's best friends too. He is all excited to get to go. If anything, I will just take him out of school for a few days to go see them if my new job interferes with our plans. They live 2 hours away from us and with the conflicting schedules it is hard to plan to go down there.

Broken Heart.

So the man I have been dating for the last year is an asshole and played me for a fool. I thought that everything was fine and kept believing all his excuses as to why he wouldn't meet up or try to see me. He still called me baby and told me how much he missed me. I felt like as soon as I moved up to where he lived we would be together and he even said that he though we could move in together. We were suppose to meet up the day after valentines day to celebrate and have a sexy getaway from it all. He told me he had a special surprise for me and that he was so excited to be with me again. Then it all falls apart. I find a post on Facebook by his new girlfriend announcing that he asked her to be his girlfriend on a romantic valentines dinner the night he told me that he was working. I cried so much, my heart was crushed. It was an eye opener and I realized that he never intended to be with me. He hurt me so bad. He has been lying to me for months about everything. No wonder he was always so busy. I don't deserve to be treated like this. I have yet to find a man who isn't playing with my head and using me till they get with some other girl. I just need to be alone. No more love, no more games, no more of the lies. I am sick of being used. I will just be alone. Then no one can hurt me. Fuck love. Its all lies.

Well...here it goes.

So...the craptastic job fired me due to not having enough hours to keep me on. Looking for a new job and trying to keep my spirits up. School has been great but haven't taken any pictures to post on here. Going to try harder. Making no promises though.

Big Changes.

Well last week was very busy. I was back at work trying to help get it all ready for after Christmas break when the students come back. Things were a changing at work due to the new boss and a boss that may replace him. So it was kinda stressed too.

 School was freaking fantastic! Woot! Love going to Aveda. We learned how to do manicures and pedicures. So three days of makeup application, nails and toes getting all done up. My skin is so soft! It was fun. This week we learn a little more on it and how to do acrylics but after that the class gets split in two and my half goes to the salon floor to learn how to do actual clients!!! I am nervous! Here's a picture of my makeup on sat.

SO.... I am unemployed now. :(  My friends texted me the other day telling me that one of the days that I was at school last week my boss announced to the whole crew that he was letting me and the other part time worker go. He told me today after our meeting this morning that he can only give me 3 hours a day,  but he knows that I cant afford that due to work being so far from where I live. He was trying to get me to just quit since he already did this to my friend two months ago. So I told him I would work it but that he was putting me in a tight spot due to the gas issue and that I would not quit. So he fired me instead. Well, now I have more free time to look for a job.

New Year

My new years was a bit slow this year but great. I spent the evening playing video games with my son. We had a blast playing racing games. Christmas was great too. I had loads of fun being Santa and setting everything up. I taped up red streamers to use as Santa's tape to keep in little boys and girls so they don't see Santa. I also set up footprints by the fireplace.

 Well, I haven't been on and blogged in a long time. Shame shame. Its been crazy and busy the last several months. The summer months came and left. We worked hard getting all the dorms ready for the new students. Then we were assigned buildings to upkeep, got a new boss, found a school I liked, and in October started beauty school! I'm having lots of fun and learning at a quick pace. I have made new friends! Yay! The next year is going to be great. I should graduate in November.

My guy that I am dating is so awesome. I got to see him around September and it was delightful. I still text him everyday and he is so amazing. I miss him a lot but enjoy being able to talk to him everyday. We are now able to skype which makes it so much better! Thank goodness for technology.

My new years will bring great things and change towards the better future I'm working for. Here are my resolutions for the new year.
1. start my workouts again. (I want to feel good again!)
2. blog once a month for updates and post either makeup or hairstyles once a week
3. reconnect with nature.
4.find a way to practice my religion more.
5.get a better job.
6. take steps to achieve the life I want.

Work Work WORK!!!!

I wake up early, go to work, stay at work forever!, get a freaking 30min break for lunch, then work some more, usually stay over for like 3 hours, head home which is almost 2 hours away, finally get home, take a shower and get like an hour to relax and play with the kid before I go to bed and do it all over again. Wouldn't be so bad if 1. I had a job that wasn't grueling on my feet and hands, 2. didn't have to drive so far to work and back, 3. didn't have an asshole boss who cut us out of all the overtime we work so hard for and if he didn't treat us all like crap, 4. if I live in my own place where I could be myself and happy. I am looking for places to live and a new job in the area I want to live, but it is hard since I am always at work now. I have spent all day today job searching. I am so poor that I don't know where we can move to. I really want to go to school so I can have a good job. So sick and tired of my parents putting me down and making my life here completely miserable. I just want to leave! They depress me so much and put my hopes for the future down. They are just so negative and are making me feel hopeless for the future. I refuse to give up on my dreams and I don't care if they kick me out but I can't just let them keep putting me down and trying to control my every move. I just want to be free again!

blah blah blah

whatever on the title haha. too tired to think much less figure out what to type. been working hard. and have a good little chunk of overtime for all my effort. cant wait for payday!! woot! then i can fix my car and pay bills, :P yuck. i'm thinking of moving to a different city than planned since i cant go to the school i originally planed to go to. it sucks but maybe its for the best. now i just need to contact some family for help on info for the area and to figure out moving. and get a job. right now i need rest and not walk on my now swollen foot. too many hours standing on it and driving with it has caused it to hurt really badly. i hope nothing to bad is wrong with it but i dont have the time off to go to the doctor. and still havent seen handsome yet. *sigh* maybe i can go visit my cousin instead. okay that's enough for now. i am tired.

Patience is a virtue but seem to have lost mine

Oh god, I am sick with allergies and have the beginning of a cold. Just love my job and it must love me too! So much that it stuffs my head up with dirt and dust and makes my body ache. I need a new job. I am still waiting to hear back from the job I really want, a nice office job. At work they told us that starting Monday I am working full time and come June we all will have extended hours and only two days off the whole month. Fucking lovely. Did I say that I hate my job yet? I feel like stomping around the house saying in a whiny voice that I don't want to go to work. I know I am being a big baby about it but I don't feel good.

Well, as far as the sexy guy I have been lusting after goes, he and I have made multiple plans to see each other and fulfill our fantasies for each other, but every time he has something come up. The first and second time was him helping out a friend which took all day, but I like how good of a friend he is. Then it was his homework and school projects, which are very important since he is getting close to graduating and starting his business. But...but it seems like he has lost some interest in me and hasn't been as talkative as he was. Very disappointing. I was hoping to have something special with him since I really like him and his personality. The funny thing is that when I realized that he may have been into me, I had been so hurt by all my past relationships and experiences that I just expected him to sleep with me and that it would be done. I wouldn't have minded either since I wasn't planning on trying to be in a relationship with anyone for a long time. I just wanted to have a passionate affair and make business friends with him. No mess or hassle, just straight up sex on the side of a business relationship. I know that that makes me sound cheap or whatever but I had just gotten out of a five year marriage and didn't want to give my heart away so quickly before I get what I want out of life, which is a career that I love and a good stable life for my son. We all have needs and one of mine happens to be a sex life. Haha, that is a joke now though. Its been over six months. The problem is that here I am expecting him to just take what he wants from me, meanwhile I was going to take what I wanted too, and that he would either A. act like it never happened or B. be a jerk and never contact me again, which would have been very unfortunate since he is a business contact and I do like to work with him. So what does he do? He doesn't do the deed. We went past some of the bases alright but not the complete act. So I am left unfulfilled and given a promise that we will have that fun when the legality of my marital status is cleared. We meet up a second time and the same happens again. We begin texting on a nightly basis and he then tells me that he misses me. It twists my heart into little circles. He sends me kisses and we talk dirty to each other. And then I did what I told myself I wouldn't do for a long time. I let my heart warm. It began to feel hope and...dare I say a great fondness for him. I thought about him often and wished to see his sweet handsome face again. I desired to be with him and hold him close again. The first and second missed meetups were before the divorce was final and I figured that that had a lot to do with him canceling on me. He had stated more than once that he wouldn't be able to have very good self control around me seeing as he desired me so and that he wanted to make sure that I was a free woman when we finally get to be alone. Am I just being too impatient? I think so. I read my cards the other day and they stated that I am to be patient and not give up before the end results happen. I also read my horoscope, which is usually wrong since I am cusp born, and it too told me to quit being impatient and that to rush things would be the death of them. I don't want to come off as desperate since I didn't even plan for this to happen. I was just hoping he liked me enough to give it to me, hahaha. I am use to that, but the way he put things and was so intent on doing it the right way, just made me believe that he feels deeper things about me too. I don't want to fuck this up. Gods help me! I am just going to leave him alone for a few days since I am going to be bogged down at work and will be too tired to get on the internet anyways. I hope that he misses me enough to want me again and gives me a message that lets me know that he still desires me at least.  Even if he changes his mind about how close to me he wants to get, I would still like for him to be my friend. Lord knows I don't have anyone else to be a friend right now.

Tired and sore

I strained a muscle in my shoulder and have been hurting for 2 days now. I never realized how important this muscle was in holding up my head till it started having stabbing pains in it anytime I move. I can't even lay down and rest without it hurting and no amount of pain medication has helped to even ease it a little bit. I had to go pay bills yesterday and by the time I got to town I wanted to cry from the pain and my entire back was going to pins and needles. Just ready to not feel pain right now. I should be in bed but was tired of sitting all by myself for so long.

On Thursday, I was planning on going to Star Trek: Next Generation's The Best of Both Worlds Movie Event that was a collaboration of the last episode of the third season and the first episode of the fourth season which is where the Borg come and capture Captain Jean-Luc Picard and assimilate him into the Borg!!! I really Really wanted to go. The problem was that it was a one time showing on just that day, at just 7pm, and at a theater that was 47 mins from work and 2 hours from my house. Also it would last over 2 hours, making me arrive home at around 11:30 to midnight. I get up to go to work at 4:30 and drive an hour and a half to get there. I knew deep down that I couldn't do that. I get really sleepy and have almost fallen asleep at the wheel if I drive while exhausted. So I texted my boss if one of the other part time ladies could come in and clean my buildings since I had something to do. Plus she hasn't gotten to work as much as she would like since the boss sends her home on Fridays and lets me work instead. I texted at lunch time. No answer. I texted again about an hour and a half later. Again no answer. I was getting really pissed. I talked to some of the other workers and they told me that he was ignoring his phone and wouldn't answer anyone at all. So he had probably turned it off. What a dick! So one of the ladies called the other pt worker up and checked if she would go ahead and work my shift, which she was happy to do. So then, yay! I was going to get to go! I knew I wouldn't get in trouble since the boss doesn't care who is working as long as the work gets done. So I arrange with the hot guy I am crushing on to let me use his shower after work. He is the only friend I have in that city and going home was not an option for a quick shower. Everything seems to be working out. But! But I have this nagging feeling in my gut like I shouldn't go to the movies. I go and cash my check, pick up a coffee since I was feeling more and more tired, and text hottie to see where he is at. He is out of town but on his way home to meet me. He had something to do this weekend and wouldn't be able to go to the movies with me, even though he did express a wish to go. Well, after almost an hour of running around town on errands and waiting for him to get there, he messages me that he is stuck in traffic. Ugh! That sucked major balls! I wanted to see him. I missed him since we haven't met up in over a month. By then, I was hot, sticky, tired, and had the beginnings of this terrible pain, but all over my body since I strained my back and neck at work that day. :P I decided that it just wasn't in the cards for me to go. I offered to stick around town till he got there but he kinda stopped texting at that point so I just when home aggravated. The next day when I woke up after tossing and turning in pain all night long I was very glad that I took off of work and didn't go to the show. And a vain part of me was also glad that the hot guy hadn't seen me all nasty and in pain. Just isn't the same when he is sexy and you just feel gross. Plus, I have the court hearing on Monday for the divorce and I so want to be done with that and officially single so I can really try to start something with him. I don't want to rush anything, but I do plan on being a bad girl with him. So no guilty feelings would be good, hehe.

Is it real this time?!?

My lawyer has e-mailed me today stating that she has finally heard back from the Judge and received my ex's signed copy of the divorce decree. I have to appear before court on Monday! Everything should go well and I hope to be in and out in a hurry! Then I will be celebrating!! Oh I can't wait to hear the words. To know that it is all over and I can go on with my life. The sexy man that I am talking to should be pleased to know that it is over too. hehehe.

I have been getting back into doing my makeup the way I like it. Payday is tomorrow. Hope I get a good check. :P I need a haircut!! Hope I will have enough to go get it done soon. I dont trust my mom or myself to properly cut or dye it so to a salon I will go. I am tired of fucked up hair. I need it back to the way I like it.

My folks have been wearing me thin. I can't handle all the negative input I get from them. They want me to live with them and go to school without having a job. WTF! I understand wanting me to do this and suggesting it once but every time I try to talk about the future they harp in with this crap. I barely survived living with them the first time and am only managing it now because I spend most of my time at work or in the room on the computer. I love my parents but they always try to control my every move. My sister and cousins didn't like that I moved here when ex abandoned me and monster man but I truly didn't have any other option. Now I feel stuck. I want a good paying job so I can have my own place but even mentioning moving or rent houses or jobs in other towns and my folks get this really nasty look on their faces and have absolutely nothing good to say. Just negative bullshit and guilt trips. I just need to be around some friends who I can truly discuss things with and not feel like they are just feeding me a line so they can get what they want out of me. So sick of people's shit. So sick and tired of people trying to control me. Of coarse I am with the people who raised me to be a fool who listened to what I was told and to never question and to put my faith in people who were only going to harm me. I did it and ended up almost killed. I have come a long ways from then and just hate being in this house again. I can stand to visit but to live here is like being in that prison again. I must remember who I am and how strong I really am. I wont be that person anymore. I will get out of this place again!

Odd weekends

So every odd weekend of the month, my son gets to go with his daddy. That is if he decides to have him. So far, half the time he has one excuse or another for missing his weekend. Today the ex and his girlfriend took monster man to the zoo. As ex was loading monster into the car he warned me not to come out of the house since his girlfriend was sitting in the car. I was like,"I don't freaking care. I know you are together and it doesn't bother me!" They posted pics of all of them having fun and being together and what happens a bunch of people message me freaking out! They had their hearts in the right place I know but when is every one going listen to me when I say that, yes they hurt me but I got over it because I am better off without either one of them. And yes, we are still "married" but we are legally separated and will never be together again. I am just waiting for the lawyer to tell me we are officially divorced so I can move on with my life. I don't love him or want to be her friend anymore. They are the kind of people that poison everyone else around them that aren't just as twisted as them. I am glad to be free of them. My only care is that they treat my son right and that the ex will finally be a good father. I have moved on with my life and my heart is healed from what was done. Next chapter please! People need to get with it!

A little about me.

I am 27. A single mom to one crazy cute little boy. I want to be a model when I grow up :P. I am about to be officially divorced, and can't wait for that to happen! I am going to have a fucking party when it finally does. It a long and unpleasant story. I like many different things but identify myself as a gothic girl who loves horror movies. I live with my family for now till I can afford to get my own place. I love to eat healthy, although I do tend to slip up frequently. I am trying to get into a workout regiment but am a bit of a procrastinator. Yoga is my choice of workout and it makes me feel better when I get off my butt and do it. Attempting to be the person I am proud of and wanting to make my mark on the world is hard but I am going to muster up the courage because I am strong enough to do it.

I just went to a workshop my cousins were hosting. They were selling these health food supplements. They both have been using them for over four years now, plus they are both fitness trainers where they live and they look fantastic. I am thinking of not only using the program for the health benefits, which were really good products, but also to sell them. I would love to be able to do it full time so I could go to school full time and have lots of free time to spend with my son. See the plan is to find a good paying job, find a place to live, start going to cosmetology school, and be a great single mom. Its a lot on my plate since I also want to start up my modeling career on the side. Ideally, if I could get this program set up and start selling the products, I could possibly make enough to use that as an income rather than having a full time job at the prison or where I am at now, which is killing me and sucks ass. I have a small rash on my face, hands, and on one arm from a reaction to some of the chemicals I work with. Can't really model when I keep braking out with rashes. I just need something that will fit into my life better. I don't want to have to sacrifice my time with my son or my goals in life just to survive in this world. AHH! It makes me so frustrated, I wont give up on myself so I just need to have a good paying job so I can go to school!!!